In Which I Would Have Liked a Little More Notice.

Too bad I had to get online to find out that today is World Shutdown Day. Oops!

However, since I've already logged on and stuff, I figure I might as well resume my usual surfing habits.

Which Is Possibly My Best Idea Yet!

You know what I think would be cool? If somebody programmed some really advanced voice synthesizer software that took into account all the physical factors influencing the sound of the human voice. And I mean all the factors: number/placement of teeth, dimensions of mouth/lips/tongue, diameter of throat, quality of vocal cords, lung capacity, abdominal force, size of nose, standard posture, sinus cavities, everything.

So once all the numbers were sufficiently crunched, then you could speak into this synthesizer, and it would process your voice and regurgitate it as that of a person whose physiology is different from yours in whatever ways you choose. Maybe not a specific person, exactly, but somebody with a smaller nose, and bigger tonsils, and some teeth missing, or whatever suits your fancy.

(Somebody could totally do this. I mean, it would take an awful lot of measuring, but computers these days are definitely up to processing the data.)

Okay, but then -- and here's the cool part -- you could also take the stats and adjust them to the anatomy of any animal you want.

You gotta know that, if your dog spoke to you, his voice wouldn't sound remotely human. Even if he were fluent in English, he would sound weirdly distorted, what with the long snout, all that extra tongue, and not much in the way of incisors. Or your cat: good at sibilants, yes, vowels no problem, but how would he manage those labial consonants? Aren't you curious about what that would sound like? Aren't you tired of waiting for him to learn?

And that's just the beginning. How would an elephant speak? A hamster? A crocodile? I really, really want to hear what it would sound like if a giraffe cracked a joke. Could a snake's whisper be intelligible? Would all birds have a similar inflection? Oh, it would take me a very long time to get tired of playing with a toy like this.

But aside from the quasi-scientific research, the "what if" factor (which, admittedly, is my favorite part), think of what this could do to the movie industry. The movies are full of talking animals, but do they sound like animals? No! I'm telling you, a real lion would not sound anything like Liam Neeson. Or Matthew Broderick. A giant wolf would not sound like Gillian Anderson, even after digital manipulation to make her growlier. And I bet a real piglet would sound waaa(eeeeee)y more annoying than Christine Cavanaugh's charming rendition. In this age of cinematic wonders, why are we still doing animal voices with Mr. Ed technology?

...We'll leave the teapots alone, though. Teapots can just go ahead and sound like Angela Lansbury.

In Which I Wander in Darkness, and Don't Get Ice Cream.

Last night I went to a nearby Fred Meyer, which has been under major reconstruction for a few weeks now. Large segments of the store are walled off with sheets of plywood, other walls have been knocked out, floor tiles are torn up all over the place, aisles keep moving around. It's a little confusing, but not really a big deal.

This time, though, things were different. I mean, really different. Walking in, I got such a strong sense of the surreal that I had to do a mental check to make sure I was really awake.

A blown transformer down the block was the culprit: the store was running on generator power, which meant no climate control, no music, minimal lighting. Registers were up, but the freezer aisle was cordoned off. The store was dim and quiet, despite the many customers wandering around. Someone had replaced my mass-produced shopping experience with Plato's cave while I wasn't looking. The place even smelled different, faintly musty in an out-of-doors way, reminiscent of rain meeting dirt.

"Grocery shopping has never seemed so post-apocalyptic," I told the cashier. He laughed, then said, "It's a nice change of pace; makes you realize how much we rely on electricity.... The really fun part will be when the generator runs out in a couple of hours." I asked what would happen then, but he had to admit he didn't know.

I'm actually kind of sad that it won't be that way next time I visit.

In Which I Consult the Oracle.

I know I haven't blogged in a while, but my roommate and I had an appointment with a safe in Minnesota, and what with the cops and the angry villagers and the zombie smilodon, the whole thing just took a little more time than we'd planned for. Anyway, don't worry about that, everything's fine now.

The following Q&A isn't new, but it looked like fun, and it was. I found it here (no, I don't know her, but I feel like I should).

The game is iPodomancy, and the way it is played is thusly:
1. Put your MP3 player on shuffle.
[I don't actually own one, but iTunes or other audio software will suffice.]
2. Press forward for each question.
[Or just listen to the track and ponder its significance while multitasking in other windows.]
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question.

I've included some of the best tracks for your listening pleasure.

How am I feeling today?
"If I Could Split" - Kite Flying Society
Okay, that's definitely how I was feeling at work today.

Will I get far in life?
"Call Me What You Like" - Puffy AmiYumi
Huh. I'm thinking this is the equivalent to the Magic 8-Ball's "Reply hazy, try again."

How do my friends see me?
"No Wow" - The Kills
Tough crowd, you guys.

When will I get married?
"Your Light is Spent" - Final Fantasy
I don't know what that means, but I'll hold off on picking the dress.

What is my best friend's theme song?
"Sunset" - The Appleseed Cast
I have multiple best friends, so I guess they can fight over this one. It's instrumental, laid-back, feel-good music that sounds more like a random cut from a soundtrack than a theme song, but all my best friends are pretty weird, so whatever.

What is the story of my life?
"Fantasia for Clarinet" - Modern Quartet vs Kocani Orkestar
That's... really abstract, man.

What was high school like?
"A100" - Billy Corgan
Why yes, my high school GPA was indeed over 4.0. And your assumptions (based on this information) about my social life at that time are likely to be accurate.

How am I going to get ahead in life?
"Blessing in Disguise" - Tom Vek
Oh. Whew. That's a relief.

What is the best thing about me?
"Lie Still, Little Bottle" - They Might Be Giants
So which is it, iTunes? My tendency to inertia or my (lack of) chemical dependency?

How is today going to be?
"Wish Me Luck" - Ofra Haza
I can't really argue with that.

What is in store for this weekend?
"Gene Clark" - Heroes and Villains
Who is Gene Clark? Maybe I should do some research.

What song describes my parents?
"Disappear" - My Brightest Diamond
I'm having trouble thinking of a context in which this answer would be accurate... except for a really terrible pun context: Dis a pair.

What song describes your grandparents?
"Eugene at Caroline's" - Eugene Mirman
Wait, this is not a song track. I'm not counting it.
"So Begins Our Alabee" - Of Montreal
Alabee is the infant daughter of the guy who wrote the song (I looked it up). I guess this is appropriate insofar as my grandparents all had children... though none of them were named Alabee.

How is my life going?
"Kaddish" - Ofra Haza
According to Wikipedia, Kaddish is (or comes from the) Aramaic for "holy." It refers to a central blessing of the Jewish prayer service in which God's name is glorified, but also to rituals of mourning. So... yeah, pretty much.

What song will they play at my funeral?
"So Passes Away the Glory of the World" - Typhoon
Oh definitely. The only lyrics to this overblown, unremittingly somber dirge are "Sic transit gloria mundi." Of course, you'd better follow it up with some outrageously cheery non sequitur, like "The Swimming Song" by Loudon Wainwright III.

How does the world see me?
"Onions" - Heartless Bastards
Um... same to you. You heartless bastards.

Will I have a happy life?
"The Cry of Man" - Mary Margaret O'Hara
That doesn't sound promising, does it?

What do my friends really think of me?
"Kaefusafi" - Stafrænn Hákon
Hey! Are you guys secretly Icelandic?

Do people secretly lust after me?
"Remedy" - The Black Crowes
I'll take that as an affirmative.

How can I make myself happy?
"Jaan Pehechaan Ho" - Mohammed Rafi
Listen to more Bollywood soundtracks. Ah. Good advice, iTunes Oracle.

What should I do with my life?
"Greenland Whale Fisheries" - Van Dyke Parks
You don't say! Stay tuned for the whale poaching revival of '09, kids.

Will I ever have children?
"Your Eyes Have It" - Bullette
Possibly maybe. Got it.

What is some good advice for me?
"Moonlighter Prizefighter" - Yellow Jacket Avenger
Yeah, I'll... have to think about that. Thanks.

What is my signature dancing song?
"Into Tomorrow" - The Waxwings
I can do slow waltzes, but signature? Come on, iTunes. Give me some credit here.

What do I think my current theme song is?
"Tango Till They're Sore" - Tom Waits
Yeah, why not? "Send me off to bed forevermore." As long as I get a new theme song tomorrow, because by "forevermore" I really mean "a good eight hours."

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
"Já Sei Namorar" - Tribalistas
Man, you win, everyone else. That song rocks. I don't speak Portuguese, but according to Google Translate, the title means "Already I know to namorar." So true. So true.

What type of men/women do you like?
"Graffiti" - Maximo Park
Men with Scottish accents, obviously.

What kind of kisser are you?
"Samson" - Regina Spektor
Mighty good.

What's your style?
"A Parade" - Kuryakin
Oh iTunes, you enigmatic tease, you.

What kind of lover are you?
"Use It" - The New Pornographers
Not that kind.

What would be playing on a first date?
"Today" - Jennifer O'Connor
"Today I stop guessing and give you my heart..." Whew, that'd have to be one good first date.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
"Middle of Nowhere" - Hot Hot Heat
Now we're talking, iTunes. But with that many questions, you're bound to get some right. I deem your prognostications unsatisfactory overall, and your position as soothsayer is hereby REVOKED.